Answers That Add Up.

Below are answers to questions that parents have asked of 1-1 Family. Don't see the answers you need? Ask your own question by using the form at the bottom of this page. Click/tap on a question below to see the answer.

How Old Do Children Have To Be For 1-1?

This is a good question. It likely depends on your child's ability to understand the concept of time to a minimal degree. They don't need to tell time, but it helps when they can grasp the length of minutes and hours. Each child is different, even within the same family.

We recommend the earliest ages of 4-5 years to use the 1-1 Family techniques. Some children may be able to start sooner, and other children may need to start at 5+.

What If I Don't Feel Like I Need To Take Personal Restoration Time (Claim Minutes)?

Whether or not you feel like you need to use the personal restoration you've received from your child, you need to take the time. If you don't take that uninterrupted time alone, then 1-1 will not work. If you don't use all of your accrued time, then you're not allowing natural consequences to do the work. Ask yourself this question: Do you want to prevent natural consequences from teaching your child to make better choices? If you're a parent that needs to protect your child from natural consequences, then you're not preparing them for the real world. And when your child grows up and starts living in the real world without you, they will make poor choices and have to suffer harsher consequences. Start allowing natural consequences to happen at an early age when you can afford to deal with the results.

What If I Am A Single Parent And Cannot Get Personal Restoration Time?

Being a single parent is difficult, but 1-1 still works. You can still claim your free time. Of course, your child will be with you, but you can and must claim your minutes. If you read "The 1-1 Story" on this website, you'll see what Paul did on a 4-day camping trip without his wife to help him out with his twin boys when they did not make a good choice. That was the day he figuratively and literally stumbled upon 1-1 Family. Minutes can be claimed for restoration time without needing someone to watch your child. You can be in the very same room with your child, but your time needs to be uninterrupted.

Having said this, if you have friends, family or can hire a trusted person to help you, then you can take the necessary time you need to recharge your battery. It will do you and your child a world of good.

Isn't The 1-1 Parenting Principle A Bit Harsh On The Child?

Not at all. The 1-1 Family techniques are a non-punishment, non-threatening approach to motivate your child to make their own good choices. Every parenting method, however, can be misinterpreted and misused. 1-1 is meant to provide a healthy connection between the parent and the child and enrich their relationship. We're not advocating a dictatorship-like approach to 1-1. Results have shown that when parents use the 1-1 Family techniques, the relationship between the parent and child improved greatly. Children make better choices and families do more fun things together as a result.

Do I Need To Count Minutes For Every Little Thing?

No. Your child needs options in life. You don't need to be a minute-dictator. They need to make decisions and express who they are. When you, as the parent, are resolute on establishing your boundaries for your child with a definite "yes" or "no," that is when you start counting minutes. Don't count minutes on the little things in life. Count minutes only when your "yes" means yes and your "no" means no. Otherwise, your child will be confused about their boundaries and not have a strong identity.

Do I Have To Use All My Claimed Minutes?

YES! You need to claim all your minutes as you can in order to rest, relax and re-energize. But more than that, when you claim all your minutes, you make an impact on your child that is very important. You're teaching them that there are natural consequences in the world... which, of course there are. You're preparing them for the real world, and you don't want to take shortcuts on something so important. You want them to be ready for the real world so they don't fall on their face when they fly out of your nest. You may think that you don't need that much time to rest, but your child needs that time to consider the consequences of their actions and how they can make good life decisions in order to control their freedom.

How Do The Natural Consequences Work?

When your child does not listen, then her or his world needs to shrink a bit, however you see fit, while you take your personal restoration time. Their world contracts, or shrinks, as their arguments with you expand, and your child loses their freedom to do the fun things they want to do for the time you need to be fully rested and restored. And every subsequent argument against you enforcing the natural consequences will add more time for you and your personal restoration time. They can still do many things they want to do, but it's far more constrained, based on the tighter boundaries you set for them while you rest. In the end, you're not actually punishing your child. You are simply enforcing natural consequences by reducing their boundaries and freedom because your child knowingly broke the boundaries you set for them. When anyone breaks the boundaries of another person, there are usually natural consequences as a result. Unsafe and unwise people do nothing to protect and enforce their boundaries. Safe and wise people draw new boundaries for a time in order to protect themselves and insist on respect. Once trust is reestablished, then boundaries can expand, and relationships can flourish.

What If My Child Never Listens To Me While Using 1-1?

Nothing is guaranteed in this world. If you are trusting the process, counting and claiming minutes without fail, your child should begin to listen to you. At some point, they ought to realize that they're missing out on doing things they love to do. But if they don't get there, then you should seek deeper guidance.

The 1-1 Family techniques might be difficult if your child does not, or struggles to have, a strong and trusting relationship with you. There may be many other reasons as well. Ultimately, if your child cannot listen to you, then the 1-1 Family techniques may need to wait. You will need to do something different, possibly family counseling, a particular therapy or some other method designed for your child's unique needs.

How Do I Estimate The Time It Should Take My Child To Complete A Task?

Most parents can reasonably guess-timate how long a chore should take their child, but it can also be a learning process at the same time. Let's use the task of "Cleaning The Bedroom" as an example. If your child needs to pick up a fewer items like some toys, some books and a couple clothes lying on the floor. You could estimate 10 minutes, maybe 15 minutes, and then add a little bit of time for some extra grace. If you give them too much time, then they will not be as focused and they could easily get distracted. But if the room is super messy, you might want to give your child much more time. If the room is messy and your child is very young, you may need to help them and model cleaning up.