Parenting Finally Adds Up.
Hello. My name is Paul. My wife and I were foster parents over a seven-year period and are currently adoptive parents of amazing twin boys. We cared for 13 children over the course of those seven years and we adopted our sons in 2018. During that time, we took all of the state-mandated parenting courses required every year, we read copious amounts of parenting books, attended all the parenting workshops and seminars we could find, networked with other foster parents and stayed up on the latest parenting methods. Our goal all along was to provide the children in our care with "A Vibrant Childhood."
In August of 2020, my twin boys (age 7 at the time) and I were packing for a 4-day father-sons camping trip in the beautiful Central Oregon wilderness. We were going to a safe place with campsites on either side of a creek and a picturesque waterfall not far downstream.
In August of 2020, my twin boys (age 7 at the time) and I were packing for a 4-day father-sons camping trip in the beautiful Central Oregon wilderness. We were going to a safe place with campsites on either side of a creek and a picturesque waterfall not far downstream.
My 7-year-oold twins at McKay Crossing Campground, Central Oregon
Once we arrived to the campgrounds, however, I was tested to the core. That cute little waterfall was much bigger, scarier and much closer than I expected. Our campsite was directly adjacent to the top of that two-story tall waterfall with jagged rocks below.
The first thing I did was to take my boys to the waterfall so I could explain the serious situation and set some important boundaries. We saw how far down the drop was. We saw the narrow pathway next to the sheer cliff with rocks below. Then we saw a memorial plaque nailed to a tree where a 20-something navy sailor apparently fell to his death. Let's just say that I had good reason to worry. I set an important boundary: I informed my boys that they were not to go near the waterfall unless Daddy was with them. They promised they would stay away.
The first thing I did was to take my boys to the waterfall so I could explain the serious situation and set some important boundaries. We saw how far down the drop was. We saw the narrow pathway next to the sheer cliff with rocks below. Then we saw a memorial plaque nailed to a tree where a 20-something navy sailor apparently fell to his death. Let's just say that I had good reason to worry. I set an important boundary: I informed my boys that they were not to go near the waterfall unless Daddy was with them. They promised they would stay away.
The McKay Crossing Waterfall
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Memorial Plaque
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Now that the scary waterfall was dealt with, I showed my boys all the wonderful areas that were safe to play. I showed them an outcropping of rocks to climb on, fallen trees to balance on and an incredible creek to play in all day long. But what did I remind them of at the end of the tour? Yes, the dangerous waterfall. Again I reminded them, "You are not to go to the waterfall without Daddy, do you understand?" They replied, "Yes, Daddy. We won't go to the waterfall. We promise!" I felt like an awesome daddy and trusted my boys would listen to me.
At that moment, my sons saw a bunch of boys playing in the safe part of the creek and they asked me if they could go and play with them. "Okay!," said the cool dad. "Go have fun, and stay safe. Remember not to go to the waterfall." I watched from our campsite as they met new friends and started playing in the creek. Every few minutes I would look over to the creek to check on them.
But it didn't take long! After about 20 minutes, the group of boys were no longer playing in the creek. They had suddenly disappeared, along with my boys, while I was managing to something that took up more time than expected. I immediately dropped everything and headed to the top of the waterfall. Soon, I heard carefree boys laughing and playing over in the direction of the waterfall. That's where I witnessed the group of boys walking to the top of the deadly waterfall with my starry-eyed twins were following right behind.
I moved immediately. Being extremely scared for their well-being, frustrated that they didn't listen to me, and mad at myself for not watching them more carefully, I shouted out their names and demanded they stop. Did they hear me? No! Of course not. I shouted out their names again and again to no avail. It was at that point that I initiated that age-old, yet highly ineffective "Count To Three" parenting method. I counted to three and nothing happened, of course. My boys were completely oblivious to me and my rapidly-diminishing parenting skills.
When I caught up to my boys as they reached the top of the waterfall, I calmly took hold of their hands and turned around to go back to our campsite. They immediately apologized for not listening and promised they wouldn't do it again. I was trying to settle down inside and I chose not to say anything before I thought things through. Once we got back to our campsite, my mind was focused on what I was going to do next, but I had no idea what to do. I was very upset at myself, and as we walked into our campsite I tripped and stumbled on a tree root sticking up out of the ground. Of course this made me even more agitated, but I calmed myself down and had the boys sit down with me in silence. I told them I needed time to think through their consequences for disobeying Daddy's direction.
At that moment, my sons saw a bunch of boys playing in the safe part of the creek and they asked me if they could go and play with them. "Okay!," said the cool dad. "Go have fun, and stay safe. Remember not to go to the waterfall." I watched from our campsite as they met new friends and started playing in the creek. Every few minutes I would look over to the creek to check on them.
But it didn't take long! After about 20 minutes, the group of boys were no longer playing in the creek. They had suddenly disappeared, along with my boys, while I was managing to something that took up more time than expected. I immediately dropped everything and headed to the top of the waterfall. Soon, I heard carefree boys laughing and playing over in the direction of the waterfall. That's where I witnessed the group of boys walking to the top of the deadly waterfall with my starry-eyed twins were following right behind.
I moved immediately. Being extremely scared for their well-being, frustrated that they didn't listen to me, and mad at myself for not watching them more carefully, I shouted out their names and demanded they stop. Did they hear me? No! Of course not. I shouted out their names again and again to no avail. It was at that point that I initiated that age-old, yet highly ineffective "Count To Three" parenting method. I counted to three and nothing happened, of course. My boys were completely oblivious to me and my rapidly-diminishing parenting skills.
When I caught up to my boys as they reached the top of the waterfall, I calmly took hold of their hands and turned around to go back to our campsite. They immediately apologized for not listening and promised they wouldn't do it again. I was trying to settle down inside and I chose not to say anything before I thought things through. Once we got back to our campsite, my mind was focused on what I was going to do next, but I had no idea what to do. I was very upset at myself, and as we walked into our campsite I tripped and stumbled on a tree root sticking up out of the ground. Of course this made me even more agitated, but I calmed myself down and had the boys sit down with me in silence. I told them I needed time to think through their consequences for disobeying Daddy's direction.
MOST COMMON PARENTING MINDSET:
“Just Listen, Or Else”
“Just Listen, Or Else”
As we sat there in silence, I realized I was very upset at them and myself. "Why can't my boys just listen to me?" "Why do they seem to break the safe boundaries I have for them?" "It feels as if they don't respect me at all."
And now that they didn't listen to me, I needed to come up with a punishment so they will start listening to me. The problem was that I could think of nothing that would effectively help them just listen to me. My boys don't listen to me multiple times every day, so what can I do or say that will get them to actually listen to me? I wanted and needed some real wisdom at that moment that would really benefit my boys and get them to listen to me and abide by the safe boundaries my wife and I set for them. But I couldn't think of any punishment or consequences that would get them to finally listen to me.
I didn't realize it at that moment, but my mindset was all wrong. I had this "Just Listen, Or Else" mindset, whereby if my children don't listen to me, then they need to be punished with some sort of consequence, in order to correct them. But, do I really want my children to "just listen to me?" Or, do I want them to comprehend situations and use critical thinking to make their own good choices? Do I want my kids to grow into adulthood learning to listen to daddy, or do I want them making their own good choices in life? Most definitely, the later, but how?
But I was stumped at that moment, and did not know how I could get them to make good choices on their own. All I knew from my own childhood was that the child needed to just listen. Nothing was coming to me.
And now that they didn't listen to me, I needed to come up with a punishment so they will start listening to me. The problem was that I could think of nothing that would effectively help them just listen to me. My boys don't listen to me multiple times every day, so what can I do or say that will get them to actually listen to me? I wanted and needed some real wisdom at that moment that would really benefit my boys and get them to listen to me and abide by the safe boundaries my wife and I set for them. But I couldn't think of any punishment or consequences that would get them to finally listen to me.
I didn't realize it at that moment, but my mindset was all wrong. I had this "Just Listen, Or Else" mindset, whereby if my children don't listen to me, then they need to be punished with some sort of consequence, in order to correct them. But, do I really want my children to "just listen to me?" Or, do I want them to comprehend situations and use critical thinking to make their own good choices? Do I want my kids to grow into adulthood learning to listen to daddy, or do I want them making their own good choices in life? Most definitely, the later, but how?
But I was stumped at that moment, and did not know how I could get them to make good choices on their own. All I knew from my own childhood was that the child needed to just listen. Nothing was coming to me.
SUCCESSFUL PARENTING MINDSET:
“Good Choices = Good Rewards”
“Good Choices = Good Rewards”
With a blank mind, a throbbing pain in my big right toe and completely flustered, I was clueless of how I could help my children. I needed to get all this "badness" out of me. I was upset at my kids and myself, and I didn't like that. So, I began to exhale all the air out of my lungs. As I was exhaling my breath, I decided to sort of punish myself by holding my breath. Silly, isn't it? But that's what I did.
That's when I finally came to the end of myself and made the decision to look to God. With practically no air in my lungs, I really had no time to make a quality prayer to God. All I had time to pray was simply "Lord, help me."
At the precise moment, in less than one second of finishing my short little prayer, the Lord answered me and gave me what I now call The 1-1 Parenting Principle. Suddenly, faster than Neo learned Kung Fu in The Matrix, I lifted my head up and thought to myself, "Woah! I know parenting!"
God instantly gave me a new mindset. It was an amazing miracle gift that He gave me, and one that I want to pass along to you. God gave me this new mechanism that uses time and natural consequences to guide my children to make their own good choices within my good boundaries so they can receive good rewards.
That's when I finally came to the end of myself and made the decision to look to God. With practically no air in my lungs, I really had no time to make a quality prayer to God. All I had time to pray was simply "Lord, help me."
At the precise moment, in less than one second of finishing my short little prayer, the Lord answered me and gave me what I now call The 1-1 Parenting Principle. Suddenly, faster than Neo learned Kung Fu in The Matrix, I lifted my head up and thought to myself, "Woah! I know parenting!"
God instantly gave me a new mindset. It was an amazing miracle gift that He gave me, and one that I want to pass along to you. God gave me this new mechanism that uses time and natural consequences to guide my children to make their own good choices within my good boundaries so they can receive good rewards.
THE 1-1 FAMILY “STOPWATCH” TECHNIQUE
“For every 1 second you’re not making good choices, Daddy gets 1 minute of personal restoration time.”
–Paul, the new “1-1 Father”
I continued in a calm and controlled voice: "Because you made a poor choice, and spent 120 seconds going to the waterfall Daddy told you not to go to alone, I am going to claim 120 minutes for myself to recharge my batteries. And I'm going to claim it now."
Of course they immediately began to cry, though I am sure they did not know what was going to happen in the next two hours. They probably thought that Daddy was going to issue some sort of consequence that would take away the fun and freedom they had been enjoying. But that's not was about to happen. There was not going to be the typical consequences they came to expect, nor any punishment.
Once my boys stopped crying, I stood up and took a walking stick that I had found. I began to draw this huge line in the dirt around our campsite and further explained to my boys: "For the next two hours you can do anything you want within this new boundary, but you cannot go outside the line, interrupt my time, argue with me, or fight with one another, unless you have an emergency. If you do, I will add more minutes." After I explained this, I reminded them that they could actually do anything they wanted to do within the new boundaries. I proposed that they could play and have fun. I encouraged them: "Make good choices."
Even though I gave them these new boundaries and told them they could play and have fun, they made a choice to "not to listen" to me as they normally do, and began to argue with me as they normally do. Usually, I would get more aggravated because they continued to not listen to me. But now I knew that they needed to learn to make their own good choices. If they make good choices, then good things happen. If they make poor choices, then not-so-good things happen. That is natural consequences, and not punishment.
But, they complained. "Daddy, I'm not going to do it!" said one of my boys. I calmly and gently responded, "Ohhh,, bummer. That's one more minute." The other boy objected, "That's not fair. You're a bad Daddy!" Again I kindly commented, "Ohhh,, bummer. That's two minutes." Their arguments continued, and for each poor choice they made, I calmly but certainly added one more minute. The 10th and final argument was quite cute. One of my boys decided to bargain with me: "Daddy, how about we go play with those boys, and later tonight you can have your rest time?" But I stayed consistent, "Ohhh,, bummer. That's 10 minutes." My other boy was just about to argue with me once again, but his brother stopped him, saying, "Don't argue with Daddy anymore! Every time we argue, we lose time to play with those boys." Instantly both of my boys became quiet.
Using a little reverse psychology, I encouraged my boys to speak out. They declined. I asked one boy, "Don't you have something to say? It's okay. Let me know." He boldly replied, "No, I'm not goin' to say anything." So, I ask my other boy, "Surely you want to say something?" He replies with confidence, "Not going to happen!"
My boys got it! They learned to make good choices. And it only took ten seconds of arguing to realize that if they make good choices, good things will happen as a result. They learned to control their own destiny by making the right choice. How amazing is that?
At that point, I started my two hours and 10 minutes of restoration time. I calmly moved my camping chair into the shade of a tree with a view of the creek. I retrieved my water bottle, iPad and Apple Pencil and began to sketch the landscape with the creek.
It didn't take long for them to realize that I was doing what I said I was going to do, so they began to play within our campsite. After a short while they were chasing chipmunks, collecting firewood, digging holes in the dirt, and other wonderful outdoorsy things. They were having a blast. And the only thing that happened was a temporary reduction of their boundaries.
When my two hours and 10 minutes were done, I informed my boys that they could go and play. I reminded them of the natural consequences that awaited them if they were to break the boundaries that I set for them. One boys proclaimed, "Don't worry Daddy, I'm not gonna go to that waterfall again without you." The other boys assured me, "We're only going to play down by the creek." I told them that I trust them this time, and off they went with joy.
Of course they immediately began to cry, though I am sure they did not know what was going to happen in the next two hours. They probably thought that Daddy was going to issue some sort of consequence that would take away the fun and freedom they had been enjoying. But that's not was about to happen. There was not going to be the typical consequences they came to expect, nor any punishment.
Once my boys stopped crying, I stood up and took a walking stick that I had found. I began to draw this huge line in the dirt around our campsite and further explained to my boys: "For the next two hours you can do anything you want within this new boundary, but you cannot go outside the line, interrupt my time, argue with me, or fight with one another, unless you have an emergency. If you do, I will add more minutes." After I explained this, I reminded them that they could actually do anything they wanted to do within the new boundaries. I proposed that they could play and have fun. I encouraged them: "Make good choices."
Even though I gave them these new boundaries and told them they could play and have fun, they made a choice to "not to listen" to me as they normally do, and began to argue with me as they normally do. Usually, I would get more aggravated because they continued to not listen to me. But now I knew that they needed to learn to make their own good choices. If they make good choices, then good things happen. If they make poor choices, then not-so-good things happen. That is natural consequences, and not punishment.
But, they complained. "Daddy, I'm not going to do it!" said one of my boys. I calmly and gently responded, "Ohhh,, bummer. That's one more minute." The other boy objected, "That's not fair. You're a bad Daddy!" Again I kindly commented, "Ohhh,, bummer. That's two minutes." Their arguments continued, and for each poor choice they made, I calmly but certainly added one more minute. The 10th and final argument was quite cute. One of my boys decided to bargain with me: "Daddy, how about we go play with those boys, and later tonight you can have your rest time?" But I stayed consistent, "Ohhh,, bummer. That's 10 minutes." My other boy was just about to argue with me once again, but his brother stopped him, saying, "Don't argue with Daddy anymore! Every time we argue, we lose time to play with those boys." Instantly both of my boys became quiet.
Using a little reverse psychology, I encouraged my boys to speak out. They declined. I asked one boy, "Don't you have something to say? It's okay. Let me know." He boldly replied, "No, I'm not goin' to say anything." So, I ask my other boy, "Surely you want to say something?" He replies with confidence, "Not going to happen!"
My boys got it! They learned to make good choices. And it only took ten seconds of arguing to realize that if they make good choices, good things will happen as a result. They learned to control their own destiny by making the right choice. How amazing is that?
At that point, I started my two hours and 10 minutes of restoration time. I calmly moved my camping chair into the shade of a tree with a view of the creek. I retrieved my water bottle, iPad and Apple Pencil and began to sketch the landscape with the creek.
It didn't take long for them to realize that I was doing what I said I was going to do, so they began to play within our campsite. After a short while they were chasing chipmunks, collecting firewood, digging holes in the dirt, and other wonderful outdoorsy things. They were having a blast. And the only thing that happened was a temporary reduction of their boundaries.
When my two hours and 10 minutes were done, I informed my boys that they could go and play. I reminded them of the natural consequences that awaited them if they were to break the boundaries that I set for them. One boys proclaimed, "Don't worry Daddy, I'm not gonna go to that waterfall again without you." The other boys assured me, "We're only going to play down by the creek." I told them that I trust them this time, and off they went with joy.
Father-Sons Camping Trip 2020
Guess what happened for the remaining three days at the campground. They not only stayed away from the waterfall, but they didn't give me any more time for the rest of the trip! Can you believe it? I expected to get a lot more time over the remaining days, but I was thankfully wrong. In fact, the idea of me getting minutes from my boys actually became a fun and competitive game. I begged them, "Please give Daddy more minutes! Please!" They replied, "No way, Daddy!!" and proceeded to giggle. This gave me my energy back, and more.
With this new mindset, we had the best camping trip ever. They made good choices and respected my boundaries. I was a lot less stressed and had more energy. They met so many new friends, we went on long hikes, played in the creek, slid down natural rock water slides.
We all had a blast because we had a mutual respect for each others boundaries. When we got home, the boys shared everything we did with Mommy. And I shared this new one-to-one principle with her as well. After the camping trip, I continued to use The 1-1 Parenting Principle on a regular basis. Amazingly, I only had to use it for a total of 3 months, because they got into the habit of making good choices and aligned themselves with me.
Please also visit The 1-1 Family Techniques and The 1-1 Benefits pages for more information.
With this new mindset, we had the best camping trip ever. They made good choices and respected my boundaries. I was a lot less stressed and had more energy. They met so many new friends, we went on long hikes, played in the creek, slid down natural rock water slides.
We all had a blast because we had a mutual respect for each others boundaries. When we got home, the boys shared everything we did with Mommy. And I shared this new one-to-one principle with her as well. After the camping trip, I continued to use The 1-1 Parenting Principle on a regular basis. Amazingly, I only had to use it for a total of 3 months, because they got into the habit of making good choices and aligned themselves with me.
Please also visit The 1-1 Family Techniques and The 1-1 Benefits pages for more information.
