Definitions That Sum It All Up.
Below are the vernacular for understanding 1-1 and how to speak with your child. Click on the red bars below to see definitions.
The dictionary defines autonomy as "self-directing freedom and independence." The dictionary also lists the following synonyms for autonomy: choice, free will, self-determination, volition. Starting at the age of two, every human being begins to seek autonomy. That's why this stage in life is called "the terrible twos!" Autonomy is a very important aspect of The 1-1 Parenting Principle. When your child breaks the boundaries you set for them, the natural consequences for not listening is the temporary loss or shrinking of their autonomy, while you claim your minutes and get fully restored. Because of you child's intense desire for autonomy, they will quickly understand that their opposition to you will decrease their freedom.
Every human has personal boundaries. Some people's boundaries are tight and strictly enforced, and it's hard for them to be taken advantage of by others. Some are more loose and people can easily walk all over them. When you teach your children that you have firm boundaries, they will come to respect and trust you more. You enforce natural consequences for breaking your boundaries (or the rules you set for your child) by limiting their boundaries for a period of time, which in the case of 1-1, is when you take your personal restoration time. Example: "Oh no! You've broken Mommy's personal boundaries by not listening. I'm going to claim my minutes now..."
This is when you decide to use some or all of the "Personal Restoration Time" that you've accumulated so you can re-energize. Example: "Mommy is tired. I'm claiming my minutes now so that I can be restored. You can do what you want to do (within tighter boundaries), but do not interrupt Mommy's time, or I will add more minutes."
This is what you say to your child when they are not listening to your direction. This is also known as the "Stopwatch Technique." For every 1 second your child does not listen, you get 1 minute of personal restoration time. Example: "I've asked you to turn off the iPad, so now I will start counting minutes. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 ..."
This is when you offer your child the chance to get back time by doing something that will enrich their life or yours. Example: "Hi Honey, would you like to make-up the minutes you gave Daddy? Okay, for every minute you read a book I will take off a minute."
Every second your child is not listening to you, they are arguing with you, whether they ignore you, talk back to you, negotiate with you, beg with you, manipulate you by crying, or worse. This is what 1-1 calls a micro-argument, and it happens every second or moment that they are not doing what you request of them. That's why it is very important to realize that your child is arguing with you and you start "counting minutes." This is the behavior that needs to stop and by using The 1-1 Parenting Principle, you can stop all those micro-arguments. Read this blog to further understand Micro-Arguments >
A natural consequence is an outcome that happens naturally. When you stand in the rain, you get wet. When you don’t eat, you get hungry. When you forget your coat, you get cold. When you break someone's trust, your relationship is negatively altered. When you break the law, you go to jail or pay a fine. Adults can oftentimes prevent natural consequences when they lecture and say, "I told you so," or do anything that adds more blame, shame, or pain than the child might experience naturally from the experience.
Peak Parenting Performance
Peak Parenting Performance refers to the amount of energy you need to be the parent you want to be. We all want to be our best, especially for our child, but there is a challenge for us to operate with a level of energy that allows us to operate at our peak performance.
Personal Restoration Time
This is the time where you "Claim Minutes" in order to re-energize yourself. During your restoration time, you do anything you can to restore your energy. Restoring your energy could be alone time, taking a nap, engaging in a hobby, reading a book, extra exercise or anything you feel will give you energy. This time should not take the place of your normal routines, but should add to it.