Definitions That Sum It All Up.
Below are the vernacular for understanding the 1-1 Family terminology and how to speak with your child. Click/tap on the red bars below to see definitions.
Autonomy
The dictionary defines autonomy as "self-directing freedom and independence." The dictionary also lists the following synonyms for autonomy: choice, free will, self-determination, volition. Starting at the age of two, every human being begins to seek autonomy. That's why this stage in life is called "the terrible twos!" Children want more independence and freedom to do what they want to do. Autonomy is a very important aspect of 1-1 Family. When your child breaks the boundaries you set for them, the natural consequences for not listening is the temporary reduction of their autonomy, while you claim your minutes and get fully restored. Because of you child's intense desire for autonomy, they will quickly understand that their opposition to you will decrease their freedom. They will respond to your direction so they can increase their freedom and independence. See Why 1-1 Works >
Boundaries
Every human has personal boundaries. Some people's boundaries are tight and strictly enforced, and it's hard for them to be taken advantage of by others. Some are more loose and people can easily walk all over them. When you teach your children that you have firm boundaries, they will come to respect and trust you more. You enforce natural consequences for breaking your boundaries (the rules you set for your child) by limiting their boundaries for a period of time, which in the case of 1-1, is when you take your personal restoration time. See Why 1-1 Works >
Example: "Oh no! You've broken Mommy's personal boundaries by not listening. I'm going to claim my minutes now..."
Example: "Oh no! You've broken Mommy's personal boundaries by not listening. I'm going to claim my minutes now..."
Claiming Minutes
This is when you decide to use some or all of the "Personal Restoration Time" that you've accumulated from your child's arguments with you so you can re-energize. During this time, you will temporarily reduce your child's boundaries. See Claiming Minutes >
Example: "Daddy is tired. I'm claiming my minutes now so that I can be restored. You can do what you want to do in the family room while I read my book, but do not interrupt Daddy's time, or I will add more minutes."
Example: "Daddy is tired. I'm claiming my minutes now so that I can be restored. You can do what you want to do in the family room while I read my book, but do not interrupt Daddy's time, or I will add more minutes."
Counting Minutes
This is what you say to your child when they are not listening to your direction. This is also known as the "Stopwatch Technique." For every 1 second your child does not listen, you get 1 minute of personal restoration time. See Counting Minutes >
Example: "I've asked you to turn off the iPad, so now I will start counting minutes. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 ..."
Example: "I've asked you to turn off the iPad, so now I will start counting minutes. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 ..."
Good Choices = Good Rewards
1-1 Family teaches your child that when they make good choices, good things happen. This is a universal truth in the real world. Those who consistently make the right choices, will receive more rewards and benefits in life. Conversely, those who continually make poor choices in life will reap poor outcomes in life.
1-1 uses a "pull" parenting approach to positively motivate and draw children closer in 1-1 relationships and teach them to make good choices, as opposed to the often-used "push" approach, which uses threats, punishments, lecturing, yelling, shaming and other harsher methods to make their child to comply.
1-1 uses a "pull" parenting approach to positively motivate and draw children closer in 1-1 relationships and teach them to make good choices, as opposed to the often-used "push" approach, which uses threats, punishments, lecturing, yelling, shaming and other harsher methods to make their child to comply.
Make-Up Minutes
This is when you offer your child the chance to earn back time they gave to you by doing something that will enrich their life, yours or someone else. For every 1 minute your child does something good for themselves or others, they can get back or erase minutes they had previously given to you. This will allow them to be in control of their autonomy. See 1-1 Counting Techniques >
Example: "Hi Honey, would you like to make-up the minutes you gave Daddy? Okay, for every minute you read a book I will take off a minute."
Example: "Hi Honey, would you like to make-up the minutes you gave Daddy? Okay, for every minute you read a book I will take off a minute."
Micro-Arguments
Every second your child is not making good choices, they are arguing with you, whether they ignore you, talk back to you, negotiate with you, beg with you, manipulate you by crying, or worse. This is what 1-1 calls a micro-argument, and it happens every second or moment that they are not doing what you request of them. That's why it is very important to realize that your child is arguing with you and you start "counting minutes." This is the behavior that needs to stop and by using the 1-1 Family techniques, you can stop all those micro-arguments. And the results will be a more agreeable child who feels safe and closer to you.
Natural Consequences
A natural consequence is an outcome that happens naturally. When you stand in the rain, you get wet. When you don’t eat, you get hungry. When you forget your coat, you get cold. When you break someone's trust, your relationship is negatively altered. When you break the law, you go to jail or pay a fine. Adults can oftentimes prevent natural consequences when they lecture and say, "I told you so," or do anything that adds more blame, shame, or pain than the child might experience naturally from the experience.
See Why 1-1 Works >
See Why 1-1 Works >
Peak Parenting Performance
Peak Parenting Performance refers to the amount of energy you need to be the parent you want to be. We all want to be our best, especially for our child, but there is a challenge for us to operate with a level of energy that allows us to operate at our peak performance. That challenge can be our own child who makes a decision to break the good and safe boundaries you set for them.
By using the 1-1 Family techniques, you create good and safe boundaries that your child is motivated to respect, which in turn gives you energy and joy to operate at your Peak Parenting Performance.
By using the 1-1 Family techniques, you create good and safe boundaries that your child is motivated to respect, which in turn gives you energy and joy to operate at your Peak Parenting Performance.
Personal Restoration Time
This is the time where you "Claim Minutes" in order to re-energize yourself. During your restoration time, you do anything you can to restore your energy. Restoring your energy could be alone time, taking a nap, engaging in a hobby, reading a book, extra exercise or anything you feel will give you energy. This time should not take the place of your normal routines, but should add to it.
See Claiming Minutes >
See Claiming Minutes >
Uh-oh! Expression
The Uh-oh! Expression is your child's first warning sign to let her know that she is now not making a good choice, and that you are about to start "Counting Minutes," which is the time-based mechanism that will teach her to start making good choices.
The Uh-oh! Expression is a positive-sounding expression that is consistent each time you use it. At the first sign your child is not making good choices (aka "not listening"), you use this upbeat and positive yet firm tone to get your child's attention. In a very short time, your child will quickly understand what's going to happen soon, and she will quickly correct her poor choices and bring herself into alignment with you.
Once minutes are collected over time, you need to Claim Minutes for yourself, which slightly reduces the your child's boundaries for a relatively short amount of time so that you can rest and restore and operate at your "Peak Parenting Performance."
The Uh-oh! Expression is a positive-sounding expression that is consistent each time you use it. At the first sign your child is not making good choices (aka "not listening"), you use this upbeat and positive yet firm tone to get your child's attention. In a very short time, your child will quickly understand what's going to happen soon, and she will quickly correct her poor choices and bring herself into alignment with you.
Once minutes are collected over time, you need to Claim Minutes for yourself, which slightly reduces the your child's boundaries for a relatively short amount of time so that you can rest and restore and operate at your "Peak Parenting Performance."
